Spare Parts Express
by Lola S. Cubish
Summary: Donatello experiences a major identity crisis, and makes a big decision for himself that will change his entire life, but his family and his girlfriend voice their disagreement. Is he going to go through with it?


**Spare Parts Express**   
**Lola S. Cubish**   


* * *

He looks down at the street. It's even more packed than usual today, people hurrying, crunching snow under their boots. It's the middle of the shopping season. This particular strip of pavement is one he's been watching a lot lately.   
Here's where it happened. 

"Look...!" 

"I know...God, isn't he dangerous? Why do they let him walk around like that?" 

"Wonder if he bites?"   
General snickering, low outbursts of laughter. 

"I've seen more of 'em too..." 

He swallows, ignores them, turns around the corner. 

"We should do what's our civil duty..." 

He went home with a bloody beak that night. Of course, they were worse off, but still, he had tried so hard to hold back, this weird obsession got over him...like he had to prove he was a pasifist, like he had to prove they were more violent than him.   
Or else-- and he knows that for a fact-- he would not have gotten that bloody beak. 

He's been thinking since that. What if it happens again?   
No big deal, really, he can defend himself, but...the rumours...his reputition-- wait, when has he ever worried much about his damn reputition? Nothing that _he_ can remember... 

However, this could effect his brothers as well...make it so that they are banned from the streets-- perhaps even the city.   
And God knows they were reluctant to make them citizens in the first place. 

You would think _Raph_ would be the first one to pick a fight...but who knows what _he's_ telling and not telling them?   


* * *

They're in bed. The television is blaring, but none of them notices-- they've forgotten. Until they hear some loud, unmistakeable sounds.   
Dazed, they kiss again, trying to ignore it, but he's frowning, soon she frowns too-- a little groggy, her hair in a big mess, they sit up and stare at the TV set. 

"What's this?" she asks. 

"Well, I know _I_ didn't order it," he says, a little dryly, "it must be one of those channels one gets free samples of every now and then," 

"Yeah. Can you turn it off now?" 

He smiles wryly at her, nods and goes over to the TV. 

"I mean, humans screwing animals...," she mumbles, "it's just disgusting!" 

He freezes. What she said just now hit him-- right in the solar plexus. 

"Most porn is bad enough, but when they start using animals...geez...sick!" 

"So, humans and animals...not a good mix, huh?" 

"No!" she exclaims, notices that he still hasn't turned it off. What's wrong now? 

He gives her a long look. The word "Oh," forms quietly on her lips, and her face turns into a grimace of dispair. That's not what she meant! 

"I, uh...you know I didn't mean that," she speaks softly, her voice careful, reminding him of a soldier tip-toeing through a minefield, "you're not...not..." 

"Not _what_? An animal?" 

"No, you're not an animal, you think like humans, act like humans...you're an _exception_," 

"Just a fancy word. I'm still a turtle," 

"But--" 

He explodes. "Don't be blind! No matter how much I learn, I'll still be an animal! I'm never gonna be accepted! Don't you see how people react to me?" 

She's shocked-- never seen him get this angry. Never, ever. _And you're supposed to be the placid one...,_she finds herself thinking. She must admit she's been seeing people's stares. Of course she's seen them! But she cares too much, goddammit... He should get that. 

"Don," she says in a calm, low voice, " just look at _me_, I'm a goddamn _monkey_-- or at least my anscestors were, until they evolved. You've evolved, Don. You can't be judged as a normal turtle, your mind is like a huma--" 

"See, there's the problem, you said the word just now-- _normal_! I'm _not_ a normal turtle, and I'm _not_ a normal human being! I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, and I'm never going to fit in..." he seems to be cooling down again, but at the same time getting depressed. She liked it better when he was angry. 

"You're _special_," 

He snorts at her futile attempt, but otherwise doesn't really comment. "Sometimes I wish I'd never got that damn ooze on me...could've been a _normal_ turtle in a _zoo_," 

"But Don, you would've never have learned all those--" 

"What's the point of stressing with all that-- tons and tons of information-- when I'm not gonna be able to use it for anything? Like being a teacher?" 

"You guys are citizens now, and I bet you could get a job as a teacher, Don-- you're smart enough," 

"Shyeah, right, and who wants to have their kids taught by an oversized leprechaun?" 

She walks over and turns the TV off. It's like the sound's been getting louder and louder, menacing...soon the room bathes in silence. She sighs. 

"Since when did you just give up on everything, Donny?" 

He glances at her. "I don't know." 

"Come to bed," she pleads him, and he cautiously, reluctantly climbs under the sheets, positions himself uneasily in her arms, and lies there while she strokes his face.   
He tries to relax, but can't. He feels like he's ruining her life. It feels good to lie against her, but at the same time it feels like lying in her arms is so blindingly unnatural... 

_I gave up when I fully realized what I was..._

In the middle of the night, he sneaks out of bed.   


* * *

He's awake. They all are. Or at least he thinks they are. For all he knows, they could've dozed off a couple of hours ago...   
He takes another swig off his beer. He's surprised at how much he's managed to cut down lately. He almost doesn't drink anymore..._weird_, he states to himself, putting the beer back on the table, _just don't feel like it..._

He looks around, and Mike and Leo aren't in the living room any longer. They went home some hours ago._ Heh, musta been _me _who dozed off..._

He occupies his mouth with chewing some popcorn instead.   
Then he clearly notices a presence. He turns his head and glances over his shoulder. _Nothing to worry 'bout... it's just Donny..._

"Hey, Donny, " Raph greets him, "where's she at?" 

"Hi," says Don, "home, I guess..." he slumps down on the couch, reaches for the popcorn that Raph's offering. 

"Somethin' wrong?" 

"Nah...just ah, no, nothing..." he says evasively, chews. 

"Okay, whatever," says Raph nonchalantly. _Somethin's botherin' him, but okay, it's _his_ life...I'm not plannin' on pullin' a Leo on him..._

They watch an old version of Godzilla in silence together. Don bites his lip, doesn't know if Raph's really the one he oughta discuss this with. But he's the only one who's there. _Maybe I should come back later..._ He gives the table and the floor a quick scan. Not a single can, except the one on the table in front of him.   
_Impressive_, Don admits to himself, and slowly reconsiders. 

Godzilla's trampling down a couple of houses and sends a bunch of citizens screaming, when Don asks as casually as he can manage; 

"Raph, d'ya ever think of being a human?" 

Raph looks at him with a crooked smirk and a incredulant look in his eyes, "What kinda stupid ass question is that, Donny? You know I do! We all do! All the time..." he takes a sip of the can before crushing it in his grip. 

Don rubs the side of his face. _Okay, he's right...stupid question...stupid beginning to this conversation!_   
He looks at Raph again. "I, uh...there's..." 

"Yeah?" Raph asks impatiently, "Come on, Donny Boy-- spill it!" 

Don glances desperately at the screen, decides on a hunch. "Well," he starts, words coming faster, "see ol' Godzilla there? Well, he's--or rather she's--- tearing down houses and scaring people, but all she really wants to do is build a nest for herself, isn't that right?" 

Raph nods, slowly. _Where's _this_ leading to?_

"Anyway, people try to kill her and don't even ask her wh-- oh, just forget it! What am I babbling about? We're not huge dinosaurlike, five-story high monsters that run around crashing things! Why the heck are they so narrow-minded? Can't they at least talk to us before judging? Prejudice! We're their size, we speak their language, we walk upright, we watch human shows, we even eat the same bloody cornflakes that they do-- and yet, and yet..." he stops when he sees the look on Raph's face. 

"What?" 

Raph hides his face in his hands, starts shaking all over. Don gets a very worried face. Is he crying?   
Did he make _Raph_ cry? 

"Uh, Raph..." he says softly, "Raph, I didn't mean to--" 

Abruptly, Raph lifts his face, and Don can see he's laughing uncontrollably. At last it fades into a light chuckle. 

"God, Donny," he chuckles, "I always told myself you wouldn't say something like that, always told myself that you'd try to be scientific about it and all that-- and I definitely didn't think you'd be angry! You're never angry!" 

"I, wh-- never angry? I am too!" Don refuses. 

Raph sudden outburst of laughter tells Don all he needs to know. "That's okay, Don...it's kinda _my_ flare to be angry, remember?" he laughs. 

Donny feels his face go red. He knew he was the silent one, but that they might think he's incapable of _real_ anger is _ludicrous_!   
Sure, they know he can get really ticked off, but to explode-- no. Not _him_.   
He decides to leave the matter alone.   
_There's nothing great about being angressive_, he tells himself, _but I don't want them to think I can be stepped on either..._

Suddenly he recalls why he came down here in the first place. 

"Raph," he says in a tone which indicates that Raph should definitely stop laughing, "what I was saying was that even if we've gotten to be citizens now, people's still afraid of us--" 

Raph snorts. "Yeah, I've noticed that..." 

"Yeah." Don says quietly, then looks up, "That's what I was trying to say with that lame talk about Godzilla-- we're nothing to be afraid of, really, and still they fear us, just because we look different. Heh, I guess I can't compare Godzilla to us-- sure, we have big feet, but not big enough to smash an entire city--" here he gives a short laugh, "but I just didn't know how to start off, y'know?" 

"Mmhmm," Raph mumbles. 

"I was kinda scared that you'd start to rant about humans and--" 

Raph doesn't try to hide his grin. "Like you did?" 

Don smiles faintly. "Touché, Raph." He turns to him after a while, "It's just...we don't talk a lot, do we?" 

"No shit," Raph nods and inwardly wishes for another beer. 

"What I wanted to tell you...or ask you, I dunno...it's this whole human thing...I wanna," he looks away, "I want so much to be accepted...don't you?" 

"Sure, but if they don't like me the way I am, they can just go an' screw themselves..."Raph mutters. 

"But what...what if you had a _chance_ to be accepted?" 

"Whaddaya mean?" 

"I mean, we have the right human minds, so all we need is--" 

"The right human bodies?" Raph finishes his sentence suspiciously. 

"Well...y-yeah," Don nods. 

"Don't tell me you're gonna go off and try some 'new and improved' Frankenstein methods now?" 

"It's..._safe_," Don assures him, "it'll make us look completely human." He pulls out a picture, "Like this..." 

Raph peeks critically at the picture, but doesn't think it looks too bad. _Heck, that guy could probably score some major babes..._

"Don, we all know I'm no scientist, but wouldn't that shit involve ripping our goddamn shells off?" 

"No, ah, it's going to be removed surgically, very carefully," Don corrects him with just a hint of annoyance in his eyes. 

"Bottom line, it's gonna be ripped off," Raph repeats, puts a hand on Don's shoulder, stares intently into his eyes, as if to underline his point. 

Don sighs irritably. "Yeah, it would be _taken off_, Raph...not many of your average people carry a shell, you know..." 

"We're _not_ your average people," Raph says in a low voice. 

Don joins in on the little staring contest. "But this could _make_ us into people." 

"Sounds like some wacky futuristic thing to me, Don. Even if it does work, we're most likely gonna end up like some pale green Michael Jackson thingies! I don't trust that science's come that far. They'll probably start experimenting on us the moment we lay down on the table," 

"No, I've checked all that," Don says determantly, "it's a private doctor, and I'm paying him a lot for this..." 

"That's even worse! Not only is he gonna earn money on experimenting on you, he's gonna rip off _your_ money too! And geez, Don, you're saying you've checked it already? For how long have you been planning this?" 

"Planning," Don mimicks, "you're making it seem as if I'm plotting against you guys!" 

Raph doesn't respond to this. "And what about about your dick, huh? You gonna make _that_ human too? Or are you just gonna wander around with yer old green one? I'm telling you, no surgeant is ever gonna touch my dick!" 

"Yeah, it'd be changed," says Don irritably. He doesn't like thinking about that part of the operation at all. Not the "ripping off" as Raph calls it, of the carapace either... 

"Donny, I just gotta ask you something...if it was for girls, I'd have maybe-- and I'm saying maybe-- understood it. But the way it is now-- Don, you're the only one of us that has a girlfriend, so you have no rights to complain!" 

"No rights too--" Don snaps, "there are other things than girls, Raph--" 

"I wouldn't know," Raph says ironically. 

Don doesn't let himself get fazed by this. "There is the feeling of belonging-- and if I looked like a human, I might finally get a good use of all my knowledge!" 

"Good riddens, brain child," Raph says, turns on his heel and stalks out of the livingroom. 

Don stares after his brother, then takes a deep breath and starts to leave. 

"Does she know?" Raph's voice is silent, serious. 

He stops, doesn't turn around. 

"No." 

"Didn't think so." 

Don walks away.   


* * *

She hasn't asked him why he wasn't in his bed when she woked up this morning, or why he came wandering in at nearly dinnertime. He hasn't mentioned it either. 

They're just as quiet around the dinner table. The scraping of the silverware against the plates is the only sound that's heard.   
She clears her throat as she glances at him, eating salad. She's sure he does it just to see some kind of reaction with her.   
Turtles and salad...   
He chews-- eyes on her-- slowlier and slowlier and slowlier, until he nearly stops. _What's wrong with him these days?_   
She stares at some angels hanging from the ceiling and some santa decorations on the window sill instead. 

She clears her throat once more. "Aren't you going to try the steak?" He swallows the salad down. "Sure." 

He starts cutting the steak into pieces, along with the potatoes. It's still quiet. 

"So, does it bother you that I don't wear any pants to the dinner table?" 

She smiles at him over the brim of her glass. She slips a foot over to his, starts stroking it over his leg. "Not one bit."   
He smiles at her, a slow smile, and uncertain...she looks at him and takes a bite of her steak. 

Abruptly, he takes a deep breath. "What would you say if I looked like this?" he flips out a picture, right out of-- seemingly-- nowhere.   
She glances at it. "Like what? Mr. Mel Gibson look-alike there?" she raises an eyebrow.   
Even if she sounds careless, he can see her pupils dialating as she regards the picture. She definitely thinks he's hot.   
He stops a second to worry about why he's been considering her every little reaction these last few days, why he notices these unimportant little details... 

He nods. "Like that." 

She shrugs. " I dunno...why? Are you under a spell or something?" 

He laughs. "No, I'm not under a spell," 

_Finally...he's laughing! _"What is it, then?" she giggles. 

"I _could_ look like this," 

She freezes. _What is he talking about?_

"Don?" 

"They would replace all turtle skin with human, remove my carapace, even build me ears, a new nose, give me hair, more fingers and toes-- everything!" Don sounds excited. 

_Oh my God...he's gonna have an operation...to make him a human!_

"Don..." she made a grimace, "we're talking about major scarring here..." 

"But that's the beauty of it-- there won't be! See, they've developed this amazing new balm that'll heal them up in practically no time! At first I didn't believe it, but then I saw it in action...it's incredible..." 

She shakes her head in disbelief. "Donny..." 

"Don't say anything yet, okay? This is going to work! It'll be better for the both of us...I could walk on the streets without getting dirty looks..." 

"Don, you're asking me to agreed to a procedure that involves scraping most of your parts off and replacing them with some stranger's old tissue! How could I not say anything? How could I not react?!" 

"Think of all the--" 

"No! I won't listen!" she stands up so fast her chair falls over, comes over to him and gently grabs his arm, "Please. You could die, Donatello..." she pleads softly,   
"I don't mind your looks! They belong to the guy I love, and I chose you with both body _and_ mind! Can't you just understand that?" 

"What about you," he says quietly, looking down on his dinner plate, "can't you understand how's it's like to be an alien on your_ own home planet_?" 

She lets go of his arm when she picks up on the hurt expression in his voice. This time he didn't get angry, just wounded... 

"You can't." he says, "You haven't experienced any of the horrible things I have, so how can you?" 

She picks the chair up and sits down on her seat again. He sighs. 

"I just don't want them to happen over again." 

"But--" 

"And that _is_ worth risking my life for." 

"Donny..." her voice is thick with emotion. 

"Don't tell me you've _never _thought about how it would be like without...well, without me? Without a turtle?" 

She's silent as she thinks about the time somebody threw a rock with a message attached to it through their window.   
Not exactly a nice welcoming note. At times she feels as if she was living with a black man in the middle of a Ku Klux clan society. But still, she can't stop loving him. She certainly doesn't want him to go through with this... 

Rightfully, he takes her silence as a yes. 

"Look," he gets up, "I didn't expect to get your blessing, I just wanted you to know." 

She nods, doesn't say another word.   


* * *

He's thinking of calling him. He knows he should call him, but he feels like it's a cry for help-- and he doesn't want Leo to feel like he's needed-- not by him, anyway. They hardly ever see each other anymore, either. He's certain Leo showed last night just because Mike was going there too. They had to decide what the Christmas arrangements would be like this year. Probably not a big gathering like they used to...when Splinter was alive. He doesn't feel like calling him. But it's the right thing to do... 

He's dialing. One beep, two, three... 

_What a nice Christmas gift this is...Donny throwing this huge operation right in my face at 03:00 am..._

"Hello?" 

Silence. 

"Anybody there?" 

"Yeah, hello, Leo...it's me..." 

"Raph?" Leo's surprised, he normally doesn't call him-- which is a good reason to worry. "What's happened?" 

"I dunno...it's just about Don...he was here after you guys left, and we watched this ol' Godzilla flick, we started talking, and then he suddenly flipped out--" 

"Don flipped out? What did you do, Raph?" 

Raph decides to let that one slide. "That's what so strange...I didn't do nuthin'!" 

"You sure?"   
Leo wonders if Raph had anything to drink after they left, but doesn't mention it. Every minute they're on the edge of another fight enough as it is. 

"Yeah! Geez! Anyway, now it looks like he's maybe having some kind of operation-- Leo, he's got some crazy plan about turning himself human!" 

The other end of the line is silent for a while. 

"You think he's gonna follow through with it?" 

"I seriously don't know, Leo," 

"Raph?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Contact me the moment something happens, okay?" 

"Sure, Leo."   


* * *

He's mixing himself a strawberry daquiri when the phone rings. He pounces on it, hoping it's Melissa. With the drink in one hand, the phone wedged between his shoulder and ear, he turns the sound of the stereo lower down. 

"Yeah, babe, what's up? Am I expecting you anytime soon?" 

He hears laughter on the other line, followed by a high-pitched "I'm afraid I'll be washing my hair tonight," 

"Heh, sorry, Don-- thought you were somebody else," 

"Obviously," he replies, still laughing. 

"So, what's up with _you_ then?" 

"Just felt like talking...and I need to ask you a question," 

"Go ahead," 

"Well, first off I'm glad you're finally getting a date," 

Mike takes a sip of his drink and grins. "Smart ass." He considers making some eggnog for her instead, seeing as Christmas is coming up soon and all... 

"How is she?" 

"Oh, only about the foxiest babe in town," 

Don chuckles. "As usual," 

"You?" 

"We're doing just fine, Mike," 

"Good," he sips his drink again, "so, that ol' Christmas spirit sneaking up on you yet?" 

"Mike," his voice goes more serious, "what would you do if you had a chance at becoming human?" 

Mike laughs, "I'd go for it!" 

"Yeah..." 

Mike suddenly stops, frowning out through the window at the Santa on the Coca Cola billboard on the other side of the road, just to have something to focus on. "How come?" 

"Nothing much. Thanks Mikey, been real nice talking to ya..." 

"Mmhmm...bye, Donny," 

"Bye, Mike,"   


* * *

When he enters the surgical hospital, he's not in very high spirits. He feels like he's about to be decapitated.   
While walking past the vending machines and the decorated plastic tree in the lobby, he fumbles in his coat pocket for the picture. He finds it and looks at it all the way to his operation room. 

"Ah, Mr. Donatello, hi!" the doctor looks up from his clipboard as Don walks in. 

"Hi," he replies. 

The nurse comes over and takes his coat off of him and disappears with it, returning after a few seconds.   
Don looks around the room with it's white walls and squeaky clean linoleum floor. His gaze falls on the instrument table.   
_This is what's gonna change my life... permanently..._

"Are you nervous?" 

Don blinks at the doctor. "Yes...naturally, I would be," he smiles an almost transparent little smile. 

Ten minutes later, and Don lies fully prepared on the operational table. He takes a shallow breath as the nurse injects the sedative. _No turning back..._   
He closes his eyes. 

All he sees is white...white, white and more white...he thinks of meadows, but all he sees is white...he can even feel the grass under his feet, but there's only white...somebody's pricking his finger, cutting it, he can sense it twitching, feels the blood running down it...he wonders at this_. I thought I was given a sedative?_   
He reaches out to touch something-- anything-- but feels nothing connecting with his fingers. Suddenly a green form appears in front of him, but just when it starts to change into something recognizeable-- 

"Nooo!" 

He sits bolt upright, everything's a big mess. He can't see much, only hear the upset voices of the doctor and nurse. Hands are trying to hold him down, but he just pushes them aside, barely noticing the awful clattering sounds all around him.   
The instruments hit the floor all at once as he hits the table they lay on. Confused, he searches for the exit, and finally finds it. 

Through a haze, he spots the vending machines and knows he's going the right way. He hears screaming, and wonders how far they had gotten in the operation. _People seem more scared of me than ever...or is it just that I'm not at my full wits right now?_

He stumbles out on the street, sighing in relief as the cool night air hits his face. The snowflakes twirl wildly around him as he hurries almost blindly in a direction he hopes will lead him home.   
He's so heavily sedated that he nearly doesn't feel it at all when someone runs violently into him. 

"Huh? Oh, I'm sorry...uh, merry Christmas," he mumbles hastily, ready to continue. 

"Donny!"   


* * *

"So, what exactly happened?" 

Don looks out over the snowcovered New York, wondering why it is that sooner or later they always end up having serious conversations on the top of some skyscraper. The snow is beautiful, little flakes tumbling silently down towards the earth, chilling his skin when they land on it.   
He touches his face as he's done a million times during the past hours. He needs to reassure himself that it's still in it's old state. 

"I don't know..." 

Raph waits patiently for him to continue, having a feeling that he definitely will. 

"I got in, I laid down, they gave me the injection, started the operation...then I saw something...or dreamt it, I'm not sure...whatever it was, it made me wake up from the narcosis...strange...it's like my body reacted by itself and refused to let them do it..." 

They're both silent for a while, just watching the snow drift by, and Raph passes the bottle to him. Don takes a swig and then coughs. This isn't beer. He glances at Raph. 

"Mike's special Christmas mix," Raph smirks before Don can even ask the question. 

"Oh. Long time since I tasted it," 

"Yeah, me too..." 

"How 'bout we had a day at my house, y'know, all of us, and we'd ask April and Casey and whoever all of you would like to bring?" Don says, out into the air. 

Raph scratches his beak."We'll see..." 

"By the way...if yer interested in my opinion at all, I reckon it was simply animal instinct." 

Don gazes at him. "You think so?" the tiniest grin is working it's way over his lips. 

"Yeah, I really think so." Raph tells him. 

Don takes a big sip. "They did have time to change one thing about me, though," 

"Oh, holy-- what was it? Nuthin' important, I hope?" 

"Oh, I don't know," 

"C'mon, what is it?" 

"I'm not sure you really want to know..." 

"What? Donny, yer scarin' me here!" 

"Raph..." 

"Let me see!" 

Don holds his finger out, and Raph can see a light pink spot with stitches around it. 

He blinks. "Your fingertip? That's all they'd gotten to?" 

"Yep," Don grins, a little mischieviously, "and I think I'll keep it." 

They both start laughing their first blissful laugh in ages.   


* * *

[Back to Short, Weird Things...And another fic was born in the still of the forest...][1]   
[Back to Fan Fiction][2]   
[Back to Lola Cubish's TMNT Lair][3]   


_This fic is named after the song "Spare Parts Express" by Orbital._

   [1]: shortweirdthings.htm
   [2]: Fanficsbyme.html
   [3]: turtlehero.html



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